Looking For a Real Love?
My husband and I dated for 2 years and 2 months before we got married. We both were in our early thirties, so we were seemingly mature enough to understand the commitment we were making to each other. I consider myself an expert on human behavior given my many years studying it in different capacities. So, it is a little ironic, then, that it was not until yesterday that it finally dawned on me that my own relationships and behavior are also subject to those same basic principles of human behavior.
I was relaxing in my favorite chair reading a book and sipping on my coffee. I thought it was merely for the purposes of expanding my professional knowledge base, but it turned out to be much more than that...
The book is called, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In his wonderfully informative and inspiring book, Chapman gently yet plainly describes the difference between the "falling in love" experience and the experience of a mature, "real love." Now, it's not like this was the first time I had read about the infatuation stage we all go through when we first fall in love and that this stage naturally either progresses to a loving, committed relationship or it doesn't. However, it was the first time I realized that this applies to my own relationships too! Aren't we always the last to know when it comes to our own lives? Doesn't it seem that everyone else sees our lives in clear focus way before we do?
In any event, this "falling in love" phase lasts for two years for most couples. Maybe I'd read that before, but it shocked me that it lasted that long! When that phase is over, many couples find themselves already married and committed to one person for the rest of their lives! Further, when we finally realize that this phase is over, it is like hitting a brick wall.
Most of us think that we have only two choices when this happens: to stay and never be as happy as we "used to be" or abandon ship and find the nearest divorce attorney. This explains the divorce statistics that tell us somewhere around 50% of marriages end in divorce, right? Flip the coin- heads you stay and be unhappy or tails you say "sayonara"... is that really all there is?
I'm a Certified Life and Relationship coach, so the answer to that question is a resounding OF COURSE NOT! This is why Gary Chapman's book is so fabulous. He has worked with thousands of couples that will tell you that there is a MUCH more rewarding and fulfilling option, which Chapman refers to as speaking your partner's love language.
Without giving away too much of the book, let me tell you the biggest lesson I've learned (and I'm only up to chapter 5). If you want real love (cue Jodi Watley's 1989 pop hit), you have to make conscious efforts to show that the world does not only revolve around your needs and desires. You have to be willing to let the other person know that you care about their needs and desires and that you want them to reach their ultimate life potential. It's as simple as finding out how they like to be shown love and showing them.
While my husband was out at the gym for the second work out of the day, because health and fitness are important to him, I decided to write him a love letter. The number of times I've done this in our relationship can be counted on one hand, but I know that "words of affirmation" (one of the 5 love languages) is something that is also important to him. It took all of about 15 minutes, but that small effort is invaluable in terms of sustaining satisfaction and a mature, growing relationship with my husband.
Much the same way misery loves company; happiness and joy are contagious as well. Have no fear that your partner will respond to these gestures with similar ones. Don't be surprised if you find yourselves feeling appreciated and loved in a whole new way!