Are You Loud and Clear?

I think that one of the greatest displays of love you can show is to love yourself. Before you can think about loving someone else, you must first nurture a very loving relationship with yourself. I know you're probably thinking, of course I love myself. I'd like to focus on one of the ways that we show our love for ourselves that I believe is perhaps one of the most difficult for us to do. That is to assertively state your feelings and thoughts.

For any of you that are parents, I'm sure you know what it means to love someone so strongly that you will try to move mountains to make sure that they are protected and safe, right? You will go to bat for your child, or for that matter, any loved one that you hold dear to your heart. Yet when it comes to making sure you are safe, protected, heard, and understood, you give vague clues, make general innuendos, make suggestions, yell and scream, make others play guessing games, give them the silent treatment - all in an attempt to get your message across. You'll do just about everything except stand flat-footed and clearly state your wants and desires.

Recently, I have made it a point to pay closer attention to observing the communication behavior of the women I come in contact with. I have also reflected on my own communication behavior in some of my past experiences. What I have concluded is that it is those things that are left unsaid that often do the most damage. No doubt, there have been marriages and friendships that have ended, not because of what was said or done, but from what was not said and not done. I'm sure you've heard messages similar to those that I heard as a child, such as: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This is great advice in the context of not being rude and insulting to others, but it also indirectly teaches you something else. It teaches you to hide your true feelings instead of expressing them openly and constructively when it is appropriate to do so.

As I reflected on my own experiences, I realized that the times that I have been most happy and at peace have been those times when I have spoken up and expressed what I truly felt. From my observations and conversations with other women, I have found that in our relationships with others, we struggle to communicate authentically. I believe if you put the average relationship (husband/wife, parent/child, siblings, best friends) to the test as to whether they stand in the truth or in assumptions, there would be utter shock as to how many of our relationships are based on assumptions or someone's keen ability to read our minds or our ability to read theirs. Often in counseling sessions or when you just talk to people in general after a relationship has dissolved, you will hear things that make you wonder. Things such as " I didn't like that she always did this or that he never did such and such." The funny thing is that usually no one bothered to share this important information with each other.

If something is important enough for you to end a relationship or terminate a contract, it should be expressed. It is not fair to the people in your life to have to figure out the hints that you give or try to interpret your expressions to figure out what it is that you want. It is up to you to make sure that your messages are loud and clear. The only way that you can ensure that there is no misunderstanding of what you mean is to clearly state it and make sure that your actions match what you say. How many of you find that you keep dealing with the same type of situations in your life, but perhaps the players have changed. What could be happening is that you are saying one thing, but the message that you are giving by your actions are speaking volumes above what your mouth says. Until you learn to speak assertively and clearly about who you are, you will continue to be confronted with that situation again until you learn the lesson. Life is all about lessons. Learning to speak up for yourself (assertiveness) is one of the greatest lessons you will learn.

Listed below are some of the reasons that we don't communicate as clearly as we should. You can add your own reasons why you don't communicate the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

We don't want to upset anyone.

We want to avoid conflict at all cost.

We are not sure of what we want or need.

We don't want to inconvenience or disappoint someone else.

Add your own:

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The exercise below will help you to see how you communicate in different situations. Next to each situation, check off whether you usually communicate verbally or non-verbally and write an example of your non-verbal clues.

Situation ----- Verbal ----- Non-Verbal
Anger:
You are disappointment by someone:
Someone has hurt your feelings:
Not getting what you want in a relationship:

The next time you find yourself frustrated or agitated and can't quite identify why, ask yourself:

Is there something that needs to be said or done that I haven't said or done? If so, make it your priority to say what needs to be said or do what needs to be done. If you do not, everything you say or do from that moment on will be "out of integrity", and you will not know the true peace that you desire.

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