Quarreling in Relationships - Much Ado About Nothing?

Many of the issues we argue about in relationships aren't actually issues. They symbolize issues. They represent problems in the relationship and resentments that have built up over time.

Rather than address these core problems that disturb and disappoint us in our relationships, we tend to keep those thoughts submerged, and, instead, we express our resentments by finding faults and grievances with our partner wherever and whenever we can.

Rather than communicate our dissatisfaction with the relationship in an appropriate way, we are critical, unsympathetic and angry.

Our partner usually perceives this sort of behavior as an unwarranted and petty attack, and usually responds with defensiveness and anger, which just perpetuates the quarreling, resentments and misunderstandings.

Consequently, the only way to get beyond this sort of stalemate in the relationship's growth is to appreciate that although what is being argued seems petty and irrelevant, it is actually a reflection of something seriously wrong with the relationship which needs to be looked at.

If we don't look at it and continue to argue over petty grievances, there is no way the relationship will ever improve and be more satisfying.

As long as we are afraid to discuss in blunt terms our discontentment with our partner and the relationship, there will be no sustainable peace or joy.

If we can address those issues with our partner in a way that is calming and not blaming, empathetic and not invalidating, there is the possibility of repairing the relationship, restoring the trust, and living in harmony.

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