Do Ultimatums Work?

-You want him to stop bumming off his relatives and get a job or else...

-You want her to spend more time with you and less time with her friends or else...

Have you ever been in a relationship where you gave someone (or got) an ultimatum? Did it work or did you (or he or she) bail? Do you think it's ever appropriate to issue an ultimatum? The American Heritage Dictionary defines ultimatum as follows:

ul-ti-ma-tum

"A statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted."

In layman's terms, that translates to: "It's my way or the highway." When you try to force someone into behaving a certain way, does it make you more powerful or are you really showing how powerless (insecure) you are? Or does it depend upon the situation?

- Do ultimatums work or do they just cause hard feelings and resentment?

- What would be some alternatives to issuing an ultimatum?

- Here are some comments from people I polled:

"I think the ultimatum depends on the situation, but rarely is it helpful. In the examples that you posed, issuing the ultimatum is opening the door to a fight or bad feelings. Though there is a misalignment in the relationship, in these examples, when you've reached the point of an ultimatum, I think you're just prolonging the inevitable break-up. More likely than not, if such minor issues are cause for such harsh tactics, there's probably other issues that are buried under the surface which need to be dealt with, as well.

With that said, an ultimatum IS appropriate if the other person involved is either hurting themselves, or being continuously disrespectful of you.

Examples: An ultimatum may be necessary in trying to get someone with an addiction problem help. The sad truth is that some people with addictions are too caught up and will sooner reap the penalty than get the help that they need. As for respect, from time to time, people don't think.

They do stupid things, and usually if you tell them that they inconvenienced you/hurt you/etc, they'll apologize and take note to not repeat. An ultimatum that you will not put up with disrespect needs to not only be used, but the penalty needs to occur if the other person continuously disrespects you without apology and/or without changing their behavior. In this case, it IS "my way or the highway."

And out of respect for yourself, it's time to move on!"

And this one:

"I recently met someone and at 1st started into an acquaintance like 'friendship'. Some 'ground rules' were defined but as time went on he decided that HE wanted to change those 'ground rules' . . .

For myself this would be considered "IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY", because instead of discussing them WITH me he gave me the ole "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS" line. This indeed did change the relationship to a mere "acquaintance". But as I said to a friend of mine, I'll add this lesson to my PORTFOLIO OF WISDOM.

But to have hard feelings and / or resentment would mean that HE would have control over me. I am accountable for my own feelings and choose personally NOT to let this personality type have that kind of power.

OK SO I'M JUST SAYIN'.

I do agree with Daniyelle that there are times when this IS appropriate when it does involve someone who is hurting themselves or others, because this gives them an opportunity to make a change for the good."

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