Gary Neuman and Oprah Help You Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Oprah guest M. Gary Neuman is a licensed marriage counselor who specializes in helping couples cope with infidelity. Neuman performed extensive research on infidelity and published his own report, The Truth About Cheating, as a tool for women to discover how or why their husbands cheat, as well as inspire change in troubled marriages.

Neuman's research revealed that 93 percent of husbands would not volunteer their participation of an affair to their wives. His research also showed that it wasn't sex that caused husbands to cheat, but appreciation, or lack thereof from their wives, a hard pill to swallow for a betrayed spouse who is already dealing with the pain of discovery. Nevertheless, Neuman isn't demonizing or placing the blame on betrayed women, but instead seeks to take no prisoners.

"[The Truth About Cheating] is about empowering women," Gary says. "It's not about making your man happy and pleasing him. It's about you bringing out the best in your husband so that you get a lot of love and affection-what you want from this marriage."

On a follow-up appearance on Oprah, Neuman provided couples three keys for affair-proofing their marriage: more sex, more appreciation and more communication.

1. According to Gary's research, appreciation is the number one way to prevent infidelity. "That's what the men reported," he says. "Men were saying that what they received from the other woman most, first and foremost in their mind, was a sense of appreciation and admiration." When you recognize your husband's efforts, Gary says you'll get the same in return. "It's lovely to think that we should appreciate our spouses. Love them, not just for the things that they do extra, but for all the hard work that we do," he says. "The more that you give that appreciation, it will return to you."

We agree with this sentiment. The first thing people do when they meet another person they like is show appreciation of them. The person may provide positive words, looks and attention, all of which convey grateful appreciation that the other person is taking time to interact with or do things with them. When you're married, or otherwise committed to someone, things aren't always perfect, and there are times when that person may just work your last nerve.

Our suggestion is simple: Be positive. The best way to change anyone's behavior is to show them what they are doing right, and encourage them to continue acting as such. This is known as positive reinforcement. Make it a point to magnify the positive aspects of your spouse's actions, even when there is conflict. Showing your husband that you truly do see and appreciate the good things he does, such as putting the kids to bed on time, or giving you regular foot massages, makes him more likely to continue doing those things you like and eager to lessen his not-so-charming behavior.

Now some women think there's no point in thanking a man for doing something he's supposed to do. While this may seem pointless, we all love to be showered with appreciation and acknowledgment for all our hard work, whether we are required to do it or not. We don't see any mothers complaining when they get cards and thank you letters on Mother's Day, do we? So why shouldn't we extend gratitude and love to the man in our life who helps ease the burden, even if he's only taking out the trash and kissing the occasional boo-boo? A little love and appreciation sweetens the deal for the happy, loving couple.

2. The second way to stay connected to your spouse is to have more sex and embrace intimacy. "This is about how you can get much more pleasure from sex. A lot of women, I think, don't enjoy sex as much because they have difficulty receiving pleasure. Men are much better at that," Gary says. "You have to get better at receiving and taking kindness and pleasure for yourself."

Sex is the highest, most physically involved form of intimacy there is. Most men state knowing that their wives are just as excited about sex as they are increases the pleasure of the sexual experience.

The quickest way to add more sex in your day is to wake your husband up 30 minutes before the alarm goes off for a morning quickie. Nothing puts a man in a better mood than spontaneous morning sex. It will put a smile on his face and have him buzzing about the rest of his day. If you're not up for sex, some morning oral will do the trick, or so would a little intense foreplay. Try to do this before the kids get up.

If you dislike sex because you're not getting an ample amount of pleasure from it, then do the necessary research to increase your orgasmic potential. The local library or bookstore has an array of books specifically suited to teaching women how to discover their own sexual potential, whether alone or with a partner. If you're still a little too shy to get these materials in person, then check out the selection at an online bookstore, or browse several websites. Experiment with different forms of masturbation, and discover where your erogenous zones are. After you know exactly where you want to be touched, show your husband where and how to touch you. After all, men are reported to enjoy sex more when they know how to send their wives through the roof!

3. The third thing to remember is that you have the right to have a conversation about cheating. Gary's research shows that 77 percent of cheaters said they had best friends who cheated, compared with less than 50 percent of the faithful group.

In a solid relationship, no topic should be off limits for discussion, whether you suspect your partner or not, so we agree with this. Truthfully speaking, a trusting partner with nothing to hide will be candid about the things he does and the places he goes with his friends when you're not around. While you may not like his friends' actions and lifestyles, the truth is, they aren't for you to approve of, and nothing to worry about, so long as your husband continues to show you love and respect within your sacred marriage.

Now if your husband has been acting questionably, and you believe his friends are a bad influence, we encourage you to create an open dialogue to deal with him before going to extemes.This includes stopping him from seeing his friends. Forbidding someone from seeing or dealing with friends you don't trust will not solve the problem, but may instead deepen it, as people are known to do just those things they are told not to. Attempting to "forbid" your spouse from seeing key people in their lives also shows you have no trust in them. Additionally, you will not only feel foolish when he disobeys, but also as if you no longer have any control, when the truth is you can only control yourself.

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