Can an Affair Really Save Your Marriage?

Before an affair happened to me, I thought that the people who said that affairs saved their marriages were absolutely delusional. How in the world could something as devastating as betraying and cheating on your spouse improve your relationship with them? I could not fathom how this was possible and chalked these claims up to my theory that the people who made these assertions had to tell themselves this just to get through the day.

But, when an affair happened in my own marriage, this forced me to change some of my perceptions and to see things from another angle. Because an affair can really do one of three things. It can destroy your marriage because it is just too much to overcome without hard work. It can force you to live with a damaged marriage and to sort of limp through life full of doubt and anxiety. Or, it can serve as a sort of wake up call so that you are forced to really look at, address, and then to fix any issues in your marriage that were blocking true intimacy and closeness. If this is the option that you chose (and why wouldn't you?), then in my experience, yes, an affair can actually make a marriage better and eventually save it, but only if both parties approach it in the right way and are willing to put in the time and effort necessary to make this so. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

Using The Affair As The Push You Need To Make Things Considerably Better: Do I believe that anyone should have an affair as a way to save their marriage? No way. There's no denying that it is a destructive choice to make and I don't know anyone who sincerely loves their spouse who wouldn't take this choice back if they had the chance. Unfortunately, they do not have the chance, so they must handle the fall out and recovery from this as best they can.

The time period after the affair is likely going to be quite difficult. There will be shame, embarrassment, pain, and difficult questions. Tensions will be very high and very little that you say or do may make any meaningful difference, at least at first. But over time, the dust will have to settle and then you will both have some choices to make. A time will come where you will need to decide if you want to stay and salvage the marriage or walk away and give up on what you worked so hard to build.

If you both chose to save the marriage, then you must know that this decision comes with a lot of hard work attached. It's not enough to want things to improve or to hope that things improve. You must be willing to rebuild, step by step. And, you can not gloss over or rush through or ignore any of the steps because they are painful. Doing so is only going to give you a faulty and crumbling foundation on which to build.

Make No Mistake, Affairs And The Vulnerability That Comes With Them Can Show You What Is Really Important: It's so common to fool ourselves into thinking that no matter how much we neglect them or take them for granted, our spouse and our marriage will always be there. When an affair happens, this assumption is no longer possible. It's now quite obvious that things are not OK and that the things that you thought or hoped that you could gloss over have now become the giant elephant sitting in the room.

So, you have two choices. You can continue to ignore these things and hope for the best, knowing full well that you may be revisiting these issues later. Or, you can shine a light on these things, as painful as that may be, and make lasting changes that ensure that you no longer have to limp along. It is quite possible to create a new reality that feels so much better and contributes to less inner turmoil so that this work would've all been worth it.

And because this affair made each of you feel that what you've worked so hard for could be destroyed in the blink of an eye, you often have two parties who are much more willing, open, and anxious to create a much stronger, lasting reality. Sure, doing this work may be difficult, but it's so much better than the alternative. No one wants to lose the one thing that they hold most dear and the threat of losing it will often motivate you to give more or do more or open your heart more than you would have in the past.

It's regretful that it sometimes takes a crisis like an affair to motivate people to take action, but at least the action has been taken. Does the person with a heart attack who changed their diet and saved their life wish that they never had the heart attack? Probably. But, they know that the heart attack was necessary to save their life. Don't allow nothing positive to come out of this affair. If anything is left, ensure that you turn this negative into a positive by doing what needs to be done to ensure that this wasn't all in vain. You deserve to be happy. It may take some time and work to get there, but accept nothing less than you deserve.

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